Friday, September 13, 2013

Dirty thoughts

Sometimes I see a good looking guy and the dirtiest thoughts pop into my mind.  What got me to thinking this was a cutie who came into my job and all I could think was " I'd like to sit on your face". So some of my favorite dirty thought makers are:

                                                                    Nice Asses

 I'll see a really nice, tight ass and all I can think about is how much I just wanna bend him over my knee and spank it. Then I'll do a mental purr.

                                               Just look at those sweet, sweet cheeks

                                                                  Tall men

Whenever I see a tall man? Shit is over! All I can think is " I want to climb him like a tree?"  I recently did get to experience literally climbing a tall man but will write about it later. But yes, I always want to do nasty things to tall men...such easy access. Then I ride them like Seabiscuit.

                                             I know she climbs him nightly.

                                                              Tattooed Men

 I fucking love tattoos. NO idea when it started but I know I am disappointed when a man does not have them. I just want to rub all over him. Also, I don't want them to wear a shirt. I must see all of it!! All I also want to do is rub lotion on them. Also I, do a mental purr.

                                                      Hot DAMN!! It puts the lotion in the basket.

So this was just a short post of a few of my favorite things. Check back in a few days for another sexcapade tale.

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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Yogi Farts

 Earlier this year I went to Los Angeles. When I go there I'm on the prowl. There for seven days? Dick for five. That's just how I roll. Give the ol puss a couple days off.

My victim that night was cute. Golden blonde hair, blue eyes, some sort of weird beard growth on his face ( that was NOT cute). Met him from OKCupid! His name is White Carlos. Because his name is Carlos and he had a Hispanic last name but, he looked like his name should be Chad Jacobs or something. So I go pick him up and he isn't a killer so yay me! He decides he just has to smoke some weed and eat this weird green stuff before we leave. So I wait and shoot the shit with him.

                                                      It was like this only...soupier

We go to this really nice bar. I have a dirty martini extra olives. First one I ever had, it was delicious. I have another. I have to drive so I stopped at two. Then I drive back to his place. It being L.A., there is no fucking parking. I park on the street in some random spot he told me to park at. We get back in his place and he has to smoke...again. Dude you JUST SMOKED. Oh we are also listening to the Tron soundtrack.

                                                                    It's electric!  

So he's smoking and we are drinking some more and I'm getting a contact from all the smoke. Then the making out begins. I leave to remove my spanx. Gotta keep shit smooth. We move it to the bedroom. He whips it out..."where's the rest?" I wonder. It was small, pubes not neatly trimmed. Overall unimpressive. I'm not a size queen though, I've had my world rocked by small dicks. Just not this one. Start sexing and he farts...Well I didn't want to embarrass him so I didn't say anything. Then it happens again. I'm thinking " The fuck?"  Then Every. Single. Thrust. was punctuated by a fart. At this point I know I must be high/drunk because It's not bothering me as much as it should. They didn't smell ( thank God) so whatever. We finish and apparently I'm sleeping over. I don't like sleeping over. I'm like a man. I like to fuck and then sleep in my own bed, with my cats. So this fucker or should I say farter, proceeds to continuously wake me up to fuck all night. This is why I don't sleep over. I need my sleep. Then he wants morning sex. I'm dry, he comments on it. I almost said " No shit Sherlock" but I didn't. I should have though. I was sore ( dry sex is painful sex), slightly hungover and tired as fuck. My vagina Shut That Shit Down!
So he decides to make breakfast. Cool. Steel cut oats. Apparently they take an hour to make cuz when I try to leave he looks all sad. So I sit there for two hours while this dick looks for jobs on Craigslist. " I'm also a Yogi" he tells me after I read a cover letter of his. "Really?" I feigned interest.

                                                         Really, Farts A-Lot I don't care

So then he decides to ask me if I could give him a ride somewhere. I ask him how he usually gets there. He says he rides his bike. " Get to peddling" is what I should have said.  Instead I said ok. I had shit else to do. So he decides to pack up his bike so he could get home and he rides down the street ahead of me. I'm in 6inch hooker heels in the middle of the morning feeling like I'm doing the walk of shame so I'm trying to get to the car quickly. Meanwhile he is making circles or some shit in the street.

All  could think was " I hope you get hit". Would it have been wrong if I had jut gotten in the car and left the scene? I'm on vacation, Ain't nobody got time fo police reports! I finally get to the car and get that fucking bike in the trunk, whats waiting for me on the windshield. A fucking ticket. A. Fucking. Ticket.  " Oh yeah I forgot it was street cleaning day" That's what he says to me. I bitch about the ticket knowing good and well this " actor" won't be giving me any money for it. How much is it? $75 fucking dollars. $75 FOR A PARKING TICKET?! The sex was not that good! He farted the whole time!! We get going and head to the highway. It's nice out so I have the window down. As soon as we get on the highway he flips out about the window and all the toxic highway fumes. I laughed and told him it was snowing back home. He still won't shut up so I roll the window up. We eventually get to where he needs to be. Took a half hour of my delicious/ precious gas. I say nice meeting you and pop the trunk. That was the last I saw of White Carlos the Farter.  I also got lost on the way back to my hotel. My GPS didn't like me being on the phone and talking to my sister about my night. A few weeks later I get a text from him asking to look at his headshots...

                                                      His farts are on a spiritual plane

Monday, September 9, 2013

The Tale of The Missing Panties

                                                       Nice panties, I think I'll keep them

There was this one guy. We will call him Al, because that's his name. Fuck it I'm using names ( if I can remember them all...I can't) so Al was the newest member of U.N. he was from Israel, pretty decent looking...except the missing teeth. Yeah dude needed dentures or something cuz he was missing some.  So anyway Al was decent, about 6'2 Solid build not fat, more muscle. He had dark hair that was shaved and light eyes. We went to dinner then got a hotel room. I remember we got hot and heavy, making out and touching. Then we got down to business. I have this thing where I love being touched with the panties on, then having them pulled to the side and played with. Hot stuff. I had on blue panties with white polka dots on them from Soma. Great store! So the panties come off and we get down to business. Sex was decent, not memorable. Get up to get dressed...where the hell are my panties? Under the bed? Nope. Stuck in my pants? Nope. Across the room? uh No. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANTIES?! He " helps" me look. Other side of the bed? No.

                                                      Jeans and Vag don't mix. My Labes!!

So I say fuck it and just put my jeans on. All the while wondering where my draws went. We say our goodbyes and I get in the car and immediately get a denim wedgie. It fucking hurt! My poor Labia!!

Then that night, right as I lay my head down I think " That motherfucker stole them!" He did have a small bulge in his pocket.

                                                       Hope you enjoyed them, fucker

The next time I saw him ( yeah I saw him after that) I made sure to make a big deal about my underwear and stuff them in my pocket. I also made the mistake of not peeing before sex so I held it the whole time. We all know if feels damn good too. Well we changed positions and I got on top. He did some kind of thrust and it hit my bladder and I peed all over him!! He thought I squirted though and shoved me off and gleefully said yes and began eating me. I said nothing, but I did laugh. I didn't see him after that.

That's what you get panty thief.


This is my bed on a typical night. Full of cats and not a man in sight. Sometimes though, I actually go out. I'll admit I'm a slut. I put out on the first date. Hell sometimes there is no date. I just head over and get down to the nitty gritty, the nasty, the P in the V, I show him my wonderland, I feed my mongoose some trouser snake, I jam out with my clam out. My vagina has a few names The U.N. ( Because I like to collect dicks from all over the world) Kevin, and Rikki Tikki Tavi. That's right, the mongoose from the children's books.

                                                              Rikki on the prowl

What I like to do is keep a harem, a stable of hoes if you will. I'm bored one day and Keith isn't available, I'll text one of the others to see who is free. Then I get busy. Sometimes though. Weird shit happens. This blog is about the weird shit. Sit back and relax and enjoy my tales.